


chicken nuggets and the end of animal cruelty

by hilouriously



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Car Chases, Crack, Criminal Harry, Fluff, Humour, It's supposed to be funny, M/M, On the Run, This is kind of a toned down crack fic, but hes horrible at it, but honestly who am i kidding, harry is a bit of a hippy, liam is responsible and confused, louis is the opposite of reckless, niall just wants to have fun, safe driver louis, warning: may contain themes of chicken nuggets, zayn writes bad poetry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-07
Updated: 2015-04-26
Packaged: 2018-03-21 16:18:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3698831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hilouriously/pseuds/hilouriously
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Crack fic where Harry is on the run from police and gets into the wrong getaway car. A disgruntled Louis just wants chicken nuggets and absolutely no police record. Together they go on a wild adventure in an effort to avoid arrest and Louis absolutely does not fall for hippie criminals. No matter how cute.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Liam and Louis should start a car club

**Author's Note:**

> There shouldn't be any trigger warnings for this fic, other than a bit of swearing.
> 
> This IS a crack fic, so some events will be wildly improbable, but not impossible.
> 
> A big thanks to the person who wrote me a disgustingly bad poem at my request. I'll credit when that comes up!
> 
> This is unfortunately unbeta'd, because I like to live on the wild side. I'll try to pick up a beta for the remaining chapters, but I read over this one like a billion times and rewrote so many parts, so I hope it's okay. 
> 
> I'm not going by any update schedule; I'll release chapters when I'm happy with them. Quality is more important than getting things out on time. I have a hectic uni schedule so I don't want to impact negatively on that. If people send nice messages to my tumblr, it might happen faster. My url is [wheelbarrowlarry](http://wheelbarrowlarry.tumblr.com). Come say hi.
> 
> None of the events in this fic are real. The characters are merely based off the 1D boy and related people, and do not accurately represent them, or my opinions of them. I can and will exaggerate, add, change, or eliminate any aspects of these real life characters to suit this admittedly weird plot line.
> 
> Anyway, let's go!

Louis sighed as he skimmed the messy prose. The poem contained precisely zero punctuation marks and grimly complained of a love lost. At approximately the eighth mention of cigarettes and ‘the taste of you’, he gave up and crumpled the small pamphlet into a ball and stuffed it into his jean pocket.

Honestly, was that what Zayn liked to call art? If that was his best and brightest plan to get Louis to attend his poetry club meetings, then Louis really needed to reevaluate finding Zayn a psychologist, or a psychiatrist, or a therapist, or whatever the hell would help Zayn appreciate things other than substandard amatuer poetry. In fact, as Zayn’s best friend and roommate, it was Louis’ duty to get his friend some professional help. Or at least some poetry classes and a booklet featuring the lyrics to the entirety of Taylor Swift’s discography. 

Whatever, Louis would figure it out later.

For now, Louis had to rid himself of the vile memory of Zayn’s poetry club’s weekly featured poem. At least he didn’t have to pretend to enjoy it for the sake of Zayn’s ego. He knew it wasn’t Zayn’s, as his friend basically lived and breathed Microsoft Word’s right-align button. 

Insulting Zayn’s poetry was unacceptable behaviour, apparently, and Louis had unfortunately learned that the hard way. Louis vowed never do it again, especially after a particularly disastrous event involving a lamp shade, a monthly visit from Louis’ mother and some surprisingly detailed phallic stencils. Not to mention the aptly named ‘dildo salad surprise’ that had occurred later that evening. Zayn was a faux penis wielding menace.

Yet there he was, waiting to pick up Zayn after his meeting. The only payment Louis would receive would be the 10-piece box of chicken mcnuggets they would pick up on the way home. Greasy, delicious, irresistible chicken nuggets.

And so that was what Louis was doing. Waiting. In his car. Late at night. By himself. With only shudder inducing poetry to keep him entertained, due to his inability to remember to charge his phone. 

Louis had at least his tenth involuntary shudder that evening at the thought of that pamphlet, and slumped against the steering wheel. Louis noted that if he wasn’t careful, he would set off the car horn. Did that matter? Probably, it would be very loud. Louis sniffed at the thought and repositioned himself so his forehead rested on his arms above the wheel. At least he was wearing his most comfortable hoodie.

Louis took deep calming breaths in an effort to cleanse himself, promising he would listen to Taylor Swift’s Shake It Off at least thirteen times the next day. He liked Taylor Swift, so what? Louis was his own man, he did what he wanted and only what he wanted. He would not take orders from anybody. 

“Drive,” Zayn ordered in his ear, apparently entering the car without Louis noticing. Louis had been having an admittedly very passionate conversation with himself about Taylor Swift, it could be excused. 

“Come on. Go, go, go. What are you waiting for?” Zayn’s voice rose in volume well past what Louis would consider normal. And Louis was an admittedly loud, eccentric man himself. 

“Alright, alright, calm your tits,” Louis said, grabbing the key out of his jacket pocket and sticking it in the ignition. 

“I’m not going to have any of my four tits left if you don’t get on the bloody road,” shouted an uncharacteristically hysterical Zayn. A Zayn that had also forgotten about basic biology. Honestly, what did they do in those poetry club meetings? Louis was definitely not going to attend now. 

Louis pulled out onto the road and made his way towards the corner, the car puttering along at a leisurely pace. 

“Why are you driving so slowly?” Zayn asked incredulously. Zayn needed really needed to take a chill pill.

“I’m driving under the speed limit, thank you very much,” he snapped. Louis had never received a speeding ticket in his life. He prided himself on it. So what if he drove like a grandma on her way to chat to her elderly friends about the best lemon meringue cupcake recipe? He was safe and his bank account never complained. He could even afford top of the range lemon meringue cupcakes. “Why does it matter?”

“We need to get away right now,” he said sternly, in a tone Louis rarely heard from his roommate. Zayn sounded much more gruff than usual, his voice a little lower. Maybe they gave each other enthusiastic blow jobs at the Poetry Club. Louis reconsidered his opposition to sonnets and free verse poetry.

“Should I invest in a detailed rhyme dictionary? A rhymtionary?” Louis would need to up his rhyme game if he was going to receive any blowjobs.

“Why are you not taking this seriously?” Then again, Zayn did seem a little uptight. Perhaps blow jobs were not the cause, but excessive cigarette smoking. Which, ew. Louis didn’t want cancer. His greatest fear in life was getting ass cancer. Louis had an amazing ass. 

Louis smoothly took a right turn, indicating expertly. “Poetry club that bad?”

“Poetry club? There are police after us, Liam,” Zayn bellowed. Though, if you asked Louis, he was beginning to be a lot less like Zayn as every second passed. The complete opposite of his calm, laid back friend who never got in trouble with the law. This was The Anti Zayn.

“I knew your poetry was bad but I never thought you’d get arrested for it, Zayn.” Louis might get in trouble for that later. At least a visit from his mother was not in the near future. “Also, Liam? That is distinctly not my name.”

“Who is Zayn?” The Anti Zayn mumbled as he placed his head in his hands.

“Are you high?” 

“I don’t even know right now.”

“You know how I feel about not sharing weed. We are friends, and sharing is caring-”

“I’m not Zayn,” The Anti Zayn interrupted.

“It’s almost midnight,” Louis chastised. “This is no time for an existential crisis.”

“Okay, one, midnight is the perfect time for an existential crisis,” said The Anti Zayn, holding up a finger in Louis’ peripheral vision. Louis kept his eyes firmly on the road, like a good driver. “And two, I’m pretty sure I’m in the wrong car right now because you are not Liam, I am not Zayn, and you are driving like my nan.”

Louis idiocy and obliviousness suddenly became clear to him. “Right, I’m pulling over. You will get out of my fucking car, apologise for insulting my driving, and find your own bloody car.”

Louis started to turn the wheel just as The Anti Zayn reached a hand out to keep it straight. “Nah. Nope. Not happening.”

Louis kept the wheel straight, choosing to avoid a car accident rather than get his way. “Are you kidnapping me?”

“Preferably not. But it’s either that or convince you to be my accomplice.” At that moment, of course, Louis heard muffled police sirens, obviously from a few blocks away.

“Your accomplice for what?” Louis was in a car with an axe murderer. Or a jewel thief. Or a serial speeding ticket evader. Or something else equally horrifying.

“For this,” The Anti Zayn announced reverently, taking something out of his jacket pocket and holding it up in front of him, like the scene from The Lion King.

“I have no idea what you’re holding because I refuse to partake in reckless driving,” Louis said, taking another turn and keeping his eyes firmly glued to the road. “But if that’s a bomb or something then the deal is off.”

“Oh, so there’s a deal then?” The Anti Zayn said as he brought the item close to his chest, stroking it. Maybe not a bomb.

“I didn’t say that.”

“But you implied it.” He was insufferable. Whoever he was.

“How the fuck is there supposed to be a deal if I don’t even know your name?”

“It’s Harry.”

“You’re a piece of shit, Harry.” Louis spoke only the truth.

“Hey, that was rude.”

“Well, you are trying to kidnap me, I’m pretty sure this calls for rudeness.”

“Well, I think you’re being unreasonable…” Harry trailed off, searching for a name.

“Louis. My name is Louis.”

“Ha ha! Like the french. Hon hon baguette.”

“Okay, that was definitely rude, bordering on racist.”

“Ooh, someone's a bit croissant.”

“Okay, listen here you little shit,” Louis started, ready to reprimand Harry for not only his disrespectful behaviour but also his awful pun. At that moment, a police car zoomed past them from the opposite direction, sirens blazing, lights flashing. Louis started to freak out, just a little. “Fuck, fine, okay, I just don’t want to get arrested. What do we do?”

“Turn left,” Harry instructed. Louis flicked the left indicator on. “Oh my god. You don’t need to indicate, just turn fucking left.”

“I am a good driver, Harold,” Louis said.

“They’re not supposed to know where you’re going, Lewis,” Harry said, throwing the wrong name right back at him. “Have you never been chased by police before?”

“No, in fact, I have not.” And he would have liked to have kept it that way.

“Right, well, as it turns out, they just turned around and are now following us,” Harry said, looking behind him and placing the mystery item in his lap.

“Fuck, is that bad?”

“Yes, the baddest of the bad. Now please just turn left.”

Louis did as instructed, albeit a bit more frantically than he would like to admit. “What now?”

“Side alley.”

“Okay, side alley,” Louis said, hands overlapping as he turned the wheel without indicating. He felt disgusting and wrong. “Are they still following?”

“I don’t know, just keep driving.”

A good hour passed as Harry gave instructions which Louis followed diligently. Left. Right. Right. Left. Forward. Loop-dy-doop the roundabout. Through Mrs. Johnsons’ yard, careful of the petunias. Harry apparently had helped her plant them. 

Louis didn’t understand what type of person Harry was. He was a criminal on the run from police, but he also helped the neighbourhood’s most elderly resident maintain her flower garden. Louis didn’t even know what he looked like, considering the strange man was wearing a hoodie and Louis refused to look away from the road in case they crashed into something. 

Or another fucking police car decided to jump out of nowhere.

Neither of the boys had recovered from a particularly shocking police encounter that occurred in a school parking lot. Luckily for them, Harry’s erratic instructions and an impromptu visit to McDonalds helped them lose that cop too. 

They had been driving for 15 minutes without another encounter before Louis started to wonder what Harry’s plan was. “Where are we going?”

“Alberta.”

“Who the fuck is Alberta?”

“Doesn’t matter, just take the highway.”

“Have we lost them yet?”

“I think so.”

Louis took a deep breath, letting it out slowly to calm his racing pulse. They drove in silence, the sirens had faded a few minutes after the McDonald’s drive-thru incident. Apparently they were out of chicken nuggets, much to Louis’ dismay. They had driven away without purchasing food in protest. Louis still didn’t know how he would recover. 

“So,” Louis said.

“So,” Harry replied.

“Harry.”

“Louis.”

“Stop copying me, asshole,” Louis snapped. Harry was infuriating.

“That’s so mean. I thought we were starting to become friends. We almost ordered McDonalds together.” 

Louis ignored the comment about the fast food restaurant which would no longer be named, he was still fuming after that particular injustice. “How are we supposed to be friends if you’re in the process of kidnapping me?”

“Aw, come on, some people like that,” Harry said.

“Excuse me?”

“Don’t you like it a little kinky?”

“When I get the chance, I am going to castrate you. I am literally going to cut your fucking balls off,” Louis threatened.

“Ooh, yeah, talk dirty to me,” Harry said mockingly.

“Will you just shut the fuck up?” Louis shouted, probably a bit too loudly. It seemed to work, as Harry did not respond. 

After a minute, the guilt started to set in, and it was too much for Louis to bear. “Hey, don’t be like that.”

Harry didn’t say anything.

“Harry.”

Harry crossed his arms.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.”

Harry huffed and looked at the scenery as they drove by, which obviously required quite the effort considering none of the street lights were working.

“Fine.” Louis couldn’t believe he was going to say this. “I’ll be your accomplice.”

“Really?” Harry said brightly, turning to face Louis.

“I don’t really have a choice, considering how I am literally driving the get away car right now.”

“You say that as if it’s a bad thing.” It was, but Louis was not in the mood to argue about it, considering he hadn’t gotten any chicken mcnuggets.

“What did you do, anyway?”

“I told you,” Harry said, lifting the object in his lap. “It’s for this.”

“Harry, again, I refuse to move my eyes from the road. I have done enough reckless -” Louis was interrupted by Harry shoving a cat in his face. “Oh my god is that a cat?”

“It’s a little kitten, Louis, nothing to be scared of,” Harry said, as if that made the whole situation better.

“I’m not scared of the fucking cat I just don’t want to crash my car,” Louis said, trying not to gag on the kitten’s fur.

“You’re being rude again,” Harry said, moving the kitten a bit further so its asshole came much too close to his nose for Louis’ liking. 

“Get it off my face,” Louis demanded, words muffled by the actual kitten on Louis’ face.

“What’s the magic word?”

Louis sighed exasperatedly. “Please remove the kitten from my face.”

“Thank you,” Harry said as he removed the cat. “Now, what shall we name it?”

“You stole a cat and it doesn’t even have a name.” Louis said as he took a turn off onto the highway.

“How about Louis,” Harry tried.

“No,” Louis said with conviction.

“Well then, I can’t name it Harry.” 

“I will not be participating in the naming of a stolen kitten.”

“You’re participating in the kidnapping of a kitten,” Harry countered, pointing a long finger in Louis’ face.

“Don’t try and turn this around on me,” Louis said, whacking Harry’s hand away from where it was poking his cheek. “This is all your doing.”

“Both of us. We are partners in crime. Louis and Harry,” Harry said, removing his hand and returning it to where he was petting the kitten.

“I thought I was just your accomplice.”

“Larry.”

“Pardon?”

“That’s her name. Larry,” Harry reasoned, obviously holding no regard for typical naming conventions.

“Why? What would possess you to name the cat Larry.”

“Louis and Harry. Larry.”

“You’re weird.” It was the only thing Louis could think to say.

“You like it.”

Louis huffed but otherwise did not respond as they made their way along the highway. The moon was poking slightly through the clouds, illuminating the carefully aligned timber plantations on either side. Louis was pretty sure they weren’t on the usual highway, but on one of the older ones they tended to use as service roads nowadays. The bitumen was not maintained as well as it should have been. 

There were very few cars on the road, and absolutely no police cars, thank god. It was a while before Louis thought of another question.

“Why are the police after you for just a stolen kitten,” Louis said, voice much softer after the adrenaline rush from the police chase. 

“I didn’t mean to steal the kitten, it wasn’t in the plan,” Harry said wistfully, tending to the purring kitten. Louis did admit that it sounded pretty cute. Not out loud though. He was still annoyed with Harry for existing.

“What was the plan, then?”

“To end animal cruelty,” Harry said grandly, as if it made complete sense.

“And you aimed to achieve this, how?”

“By releasing all the animals from the pound,” Harry explained. “But this little one was all alone and wouldn’t be able to fend for herself. So I took her.”

“Right,” Louis said slowly. 

“And then I was looking for Liam, who has the same car as you, by the way,“ Harry said. “You should start a club.”

“I’ll be sure to get right on that,” Louis deadpanned, fingers tightening around the leather of the steering wheel. 

“Anyway, so that was the plan. Hop in the getaway car. Take the old highway. Few stops along the way, and eventually, Alberta.”

“So, what’s the new plan?”

“Ah, the new plan, is the old plan!” Harry said excitedly. “We’ll just make the same journey, except there’s no Liam. Just you, me, and this kitten.”

Louis weighed his options. He had associated himself with a known criminal. He had been his getaway driver for over two hours by then, there was no way he could plead innocent. And there was definitely no way they hadn’t identified Louis already. The McDonalds drive-thru probably had security cameras, and he might have made a scene yelling through the speaker at the fast food worker who had denied him his chicken mcnuggets. What McDonalds doesn’t have chicken mcnuggets, seriously? 

Anyway, If he went with Harry, the criminal’s getaway plan might just work. They would find Alberta, whoever she was, lie low for a bit, and then Louis would return home, never to speak to Harry or be chased by police ever again. A true fairytale ending. 

Louis sighed tiredly. “I have no choice but to go along with this, do I?”

“It’s either that or turn yourself in to police as the slowest getaway driver in history.”

“Why do you keep insulting my driving?” Louis was a safe driver, dammit. And there was no one behind him to honk their horn at him for going 20km/h under the speed limit. Louis did not normally have that luxury, so he sure as hell would use it. 

“You told me to calm my tits,” Harry exclaimed. “Do not talk about my four boobies like that. They deserve to be themselves. They deserve to be free,” Harry said inspirationally.

“Wait, you actually have four nipples?”

“Yup,” Harry said happily.

“I have to see this,” Louis said in disbelief. 

“Well, you’re in luck, we have a planned pitstop in a couple kilometers.”

“You better get some stuff for the kitten too, I don’t want her peeing in the car.”

“Your car will be fine.” Harry said, voice softening.

“Promise?” Louis said, matching Harry’s tone.

“I swear on my four nipples,” Harry said as Louis spotted a sign for the diner, their next stop. He just hoped they had chicken nuggets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me if you liked it, tell me if you didn't. Let me know things you liked, things you found funny, jokes that fell flat, and things I could have done better. Constructive criticism is incredibly welcome! Leave kudos and comment. You can also say hi to me on tumblr at [harrysgoldshoes](http://harrysgoldshoes.tumblr.com). If you nag me I might update quicker. 
> 
> Thank you for reading and giving my fic a go. Love you :) See you next chapter :)


	2. simon needs to teach his employees about customer service

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> H+L stop at a strange diner. nothing goes to plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Back again! Finally found some time to finish off this chapter. It sat at about 75% complete on my google drive while I did 3 exams and 2 assignments in the space of a week. Hectic!
> 
> Triggers: a minor panic attack, but not much detail! Everything else should be fine :)
> 
> A massive thank you to [hogwartzlou](http://hogwartzlou.tumblr.com/) for being a lovely, lovely beta. Especially on such a short notice. I cannot thank you enough! 
> 
> This one is 4.2k words. I hope you enjoy it!
> 
> [There is a secret maths joke in here that you'll only get if you've done analysis, let me know if you pick up on it]

Louis brought his car to a stop just outside the diner. It appeared to be open at all hours, going by the fluorescent sign next to the parking lot. Though, that sign also read ‘Simon well D er’, a few of the letters apparently broken. The paint job probably used to be loud and trendy, but now had faded to a mix of light weathered pastel colours, the paint peeling off in some areas. Lights around the diner flickered on and off, periodically plunging the diner into darkness. Louis didn’t trust the place.

He tried to make out the missing letters on the sign. “Simon…”

“Well, duh.”

“Seriously?” Louis said, turning to look at Harry for the first time that journey. “I thought your croissant pun was bad but that -” Louis trailed off, taking in Harry’s appearance.

The first thing was his curly, brown hair falling elegantly around his face, held in by the hood of his jacket. His hair framed a strong jawline, bow shaped lips and bright green eyes, illuminated by the diner sign. He was actually really beautiful, especially for someone who insisted that releasing animals from the pound was a sound idea.

Louis struggled to close his mouth, his jaw having dropped at the sight of Harry. Louis couldn’t understand it, he was usually unaffected by extreme attractiveness. Zayn was basically an angel who walked among mortals, but Louis didn’t feel the need to vault across the handbrake and furiously make out with him against the seat of his car. 

No, that was reserved for Harry.

Louis quickly realised that Harry was in the same predicament, apparently mesmerised by Louis, his eyes darting around his face. “Hi,” Louis said trying to bring Harry from his daze.

Larry chose that moment to jump across the console, out of Harry’s hands and into Louis’ lap, startling him. 

“Oops. Little rascal. Larry, stop that,” Harry said as he fumbled with the playful kitten in Louis’ lap. Harry’s large hands were much too near Louis’ valuable merchandise than was appropriate. Merchandise that was becoming a bit too excited about Harry’s close proximity.

“Okay, enough play time. Out of the car,” Louis said as he handed the cat over to Harry and exited his car, making his way towards the diner. Louis made attempts to forget the obvious sexual tension between them. He was successful. Mostly. 

Harry quickly caught up with Louis, and he was taller, dammit. Louis was so screwed. Hah. Screwed, as in… No, Louis wouldn’t think about that. Louis refused to do the dirty with a dangerous delinquent, no matter how fit he was. 

The gravel crunched beneath their feet. “So.”

“So,” Harry replied, still attempting to win the award for the most annoying person to ever exist.

Louis rolled his eyes. “What’s the plan? What’s our cover?”

“Not enough time to explain, just follow my lead.”

They reached the diner entrance, Louis’ hand pausing on the handle. “Whatever it is, it better not get us arrested.”

Harry gave Louis a pointed look and gestured towards the door. “I promise.”

Louis pushed open the heavy glass door of the diner, a bell ringing to announce their entrance. The only soul in the building was the server standing in front of the register. It was probably early morning by then, the sun was nowhere near rising. But it didn’t seem like the place would be full during normal hours either, going by the paint peeling off the walls just like they were outside, and the blatantly unironic 80s vibe. Probably due to a lack of renovations over the past few decades than any sort of attempted aesthetic. 

“Simon Cowell’s Diner, how can I help you?” the server said, monotone voice revealing how little he wanted to be there. 

Harry and Louis walked up to the counter across the black and white checkered tiles. Harry placed an arm around Louis’ shoulders. Louis resisted the urge to dig his elbow into Harry’s ribs, and soon realised it would have turned out poorly anyway since Harry had the kitten in his jacket pocket. 

“My Bertrand here is having his birthday this fine morning,” Harry said, apparently pulling names out of his ass. “Any special birthday deals available?”

“Oh, Herbert, you so do like to spoil me.” Harry wasn’t the only one with an ass that could deliver on bad fake names. Louis knew full well how good his own ass was, there were people from Zayn’s poetry club who had written sonnets about it after he turned up to their bi annual picnic event. They had cake, so it was almost worth it.

Louis smiled painfully up at Harry as Harry narrowed his eyes beneath a wide, dimpled smile. Their eyes met for a few moments before Harry turned to the server again, “Our friends call us BertBert.”

“Adorable,” said the server, whose name Louis was not quite sure of. His badge said Bean, which was quite a strange name, in Louis’ opinion. He resolved to test if it was his actual name later. “We do have the Birthday Extravaganza Bonanza,” the server said, brandishing some very unenthusiastic jazz hands. 

“Oooh, the Birthday Extravaganza Bonanza. What’s that?” said Harry, who did not appear to be feigning his enthusiasm.

“A three course meal, the last of which is a birthday cake baked by Simon himself. It’s extravagant, bonan-zavagant and birthday-tacular,” he said in a dreary, almost robotic tone, again wiggling his fingers in a half hearted attempt at jazz hands.

“The Simon?” Harry asked, wide-eyed.

“Well, duh,” the server said with zero enthusiasm, pointing to a plaque next to the chalkboard menu. It read ‘Well, duh’ in curling script. 

Harry gave a pointed look to Louis, raising his eyebrows slightly. Okay, Louis thought, but it was still a shitty joke. Louis would not budge on that. 

“Only the best for my Bertrand.”

The server showed them to a table in the middle of the diner, promising that their first course would be ready shortly, and took their drink orders. Harry insisted they both order energy drinks. Louis was tired enough to agree.

“What the hell was that?” Louis hissed when the bored server was out of hearing range. “I thought we were on the run. Why are we sitting down for a three course meal?”

“Exactly,” Harry nodded, taking an alarming amount of napkins from the dispenser and shoving them into his other jacket pocket. “That’s what the police are going to think too. No one has a birthday party while they’re on the run. It’s the best disguise ever. Hiding in plain sight.”

“Harry, there is literally no one in sight to hide from.” Louis gestured to the empty diner. He would not be surprised to see a lone tumbleweed making it’s way across the floor. 

“All the better,” Harry said, now shoving napkins into his jean pockets.

“Oh my god, stop,” Louis demanded, taking the almost empty dispenser away from the filthy napkin thief. “Leave the napkins alone.”

“We need them, Louis,” Harry said, grabbing the napkin dispenser so they were wrestling with it across the table.

“What for, you maniac,” Louis said, straining to keep the dispenser on his side of the table.

“For emergencies,” Harry reasoned, as if it was obvious.

“What the hell kind of emergency requires 200 napkins?” 

“I don’t know,” Harry said seriously as he let go of the dispenser. “But we need to be prepared.”

Louis set the dispenser back down on the table and buried his head in his hands, messing up his fringe. “I’m going to get arrested, aren’t I?”

“Don’t say that,” Harry consoled, reaching out to grab one of Louis’ hands and remove it from his head. “If we just stick to the plan, everything will be fine.”

Louis lifted his head and looked into Harry’s eyes, his lip trembling as he replied, “I don’t want to get arrested.”

Harry enveloped Louis’ hand in his. “You won’t, okay?”

Louis nodded as the server walked up to their table, “Here are your drinks, sirs. And also the saucer of water you ordered.”

“Thank you, Bean.” Harry said as a can of Red Bull was placed in front of him, obviously assuming the name badge was correct. “Larry sure will enjoy that water.”

“My name is Ben,” the server said, pointing to the name tag that clearly said Bean. He didn’t seem to care. He barely reacted when Harry brought the kitten out of his pocket, blinking slowly as as he responded, “Is that a cat?”

“She’s a kitten,” Harry said as he encouraged Larry to drink from the saucer, one hand still firmly gripping Louis’. Louis just sipped his Monster Energy drink, not wanting to get involved.

“Right,” Ben said rudely. “Don’t let her pee on the table. I’m the one who has to clean it up.” And with that he walked back to the kitchen, leaving Louis and Harry alone yet again. Simon needed to talk to his employees about customer service.

“So,” Louis said, hand still in one of Harry’s. 

“So,” Harry returned, giving Louis’ hand a squeeze and smiling.

“Harry.”

“Louis.”

“I’m your accomplice, not your boyfriend.”

Harry looked down at their hands and pouted. “Partners in crime?”

“Accomplice,” Louis said, removing his hand. “We’re not even friends.”

“We will be,” Harry said with conviction, taking a sip of his Red Bull.

“And how do you suppose that?”

“It’s part of my plan.”

“I thought your plan was to get to Alberta.” Louis still didn’t know who Alberta was. But as long as it didn’t involve getting Louis arrested, he really didn’t care.

“Yes. But now we’re also going to be friends.”

“Right.” Louis doubted that. Harry was pretty, but Louis didn’t associate with criminals. 

“Good. Glad we’re on the same page then,” Harry said, looking around and standing up from his chair once he was sure the coast was clear. “Now help me take some of these condiment bottles.”

Louis rolled his eyes, but couldn’t bring himself to say no.

++++++++++++++

As it turned out, Harry was a riveting conversationalist. He talked slowly though, even slower than Louis’ driving, but he was very good at bringing a smile to Louis’ face. Louis definitely enjoyed their easy banter. 

Wait, um, no he didn’t. Harry was a horrible, vile criminal who treated Louis with complete disrespect. Yes. That was how it was. Louis just had a brief lapse in judgement. He was tired, it could be excused. 

They chatted animatedly about anything and everything - no, Harry continued to hurl insults at Louis, that was it - as Harry thought of more things they could steal from the diner without Ben noticing. It wasn’t that difficult, as Ben had a distinct ‘I have zero regard for maintaining the reputation of this establishment’ air about him. Louis suspected that if Harry started yanking out the mustard yellow tables, Ben would merely blink and return his gaze to the time on the cash register, waiting for his shift to end. 

Louis currently had four different condiment bottles, eight sets of cutlery, countless packets of salt and pepper, and enough napkins to rival Harry stuffed into his jacket, the elastic of the hem preventing them from falling out. 

The added baggage gave Louis a bit of a tummy. Harry insisted he looked curvy and beautiful. Louis was more concerned about getting tomato sauce on his shirt.

And they managed all that while eating the first two courses of their Birthday Extravaganza Bonanza. Neither of which were chicken nuggets, by the way, but they were edible enough to at least partly make up for that disappointment. 

“You know, I could be at home right now,” Louis said as he placed his last vegetable into his mouth with one of the few remaining forks in the establishment. “Eating chicken nuggets, listening to Taylor Swift’s new album, not on the run from police.”

“Ugh, I love Taylor Swift. 1989 is like, my life.” 

“Oh my god, I know right.” Maybe Harry wasn’t that despicable, at least he had semi decent taste in music. 

Louis missed his opportunity to expand on their shared love for Taylor Swift as the lights of the diner dimmed slightly. Louis felt a chill run up his spine, thinking the police had got him, but his concerns were soon placated as he spotted the large cake emerging from the kitchen.

Ben, and who was probably Simon, slowly made their way to Louis, placing the cake in front of him. Simon was decked out in full chef gear, an apron with a light dusting of cocoa tied around his waist and a chef’s hat placed neatly on his greying hair. While Ben’s expression still communicated his complete and utter indifference, Simon’s spoke only of business. 

And it made sense, as it was a serious cake. It had multiple decadent layers all covered in a well styled chocolate ganache. The coloured candles poked through the chocolate roses and stars that had been lovingly piped onto the top of the cake. 

Ben started singing, meandering his way through an alarmingly pitchy rendition of Happy Birthday. It all faded away though, as Louis became incredibly focused on Harry.

The light from the candles illuminated his face in the most striking manner, drawing attention to his dimpled smile. They gazed softly at each other over the cake. If their ears weren’t being assaulted it would have been almost romantic. 

Ben started clapping slowly yet rhythmically, startling Louis from his daze. He must have finished singing.

Louis made quick work of the candles, now looking forward to getting a taste of the cake. It was nowhere near his birthday but that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to enjoy it. He wished for a happy ending to this crazy adventure, ambiguity leaving the details of his wish up to the whims of the universe. 

“Alright, Herbert, now give the birthday boy a kiss and we’ll cut the cake,” Simon said good-naturedly, though he did eye the cat suspiciously.

And, that. Okay. What?

Harry was looking at him wide eyed, obviously panicking too. Harry frowned and pursed his lips subtly, as if to say it had to happen. They had to kiss and make it convincing. They couldn’t blow their cover.

Louis steeled himself and started to stand from his chair, watching as Harry did the same. He had no idea what to do, where to put his hands. But he knew he couldn’t hesitate, no matter what he did. He stretched out his arm quickly to tug on Harry’s hoodie strings, Harry placed his hand softly on Louis’ cheek.

The remaining movement went slowly, as their lips neared each other’s. Their breaths mingled and Louis was just about ready to close the final distance when he felt something fall out of his jacket and hit the floor with a squirt. 

Harry’s panicked expression intensified as they both realised what had happened. They sprung apart, ready to do damage control. Louis could bullshit his way out of it, he was a drama major after all.

“Oh, would you look at that,” Louis said, trying to play it cool. “Clumsy me.”

Simon picked up the offending bottle of hot sauce, then narrowed his eyes at Louis. “Why was this in your jacket?”

“It’s delicious!” Harry interrupted, snatching the bottle from the Chef. He started to chug it, as if that was a good idea. Harry continued his compliments between gulps. “Did you make this?”

Simon looked to Harry with concern, not answering his question. It soon became obvious why, as Harry abruptly stopped drinking from the hot sauce bottle, face turning red. 

“Harry, what are you doing?”

“Louis. Hot. Spicy. Help,” Harry spluttered between coughs.

Louis grabbed Larry’s saucer of water, throwing it in Harry’s face on impulse. Harry simply glared at him under wet hair, the water having absolutely no effect. Harry’s coughs continued and his eyes were watering.

“Get out of my diner,” Simon roared, suddenly reacting to the scene unfolding in front of him. “Thieves! Vandals! How dare you steal from me!”

Louis decided that any chance of talking them out of that situation was long gone, and made the executive decision to get their asses the fuck out of there. 

He ran from the table, holding tight onto the waistband of his jacket to prevent further mishaps, using his other hand to haul Harry along with him. He zigzagged between the tables, running for the entrance.

He didn’t realise he had lost Harry until he was standing outside, watching him play a game of cat and mouse with Simon inside the diner. He debated going back in to help until Harry rolled over the counter, clutching a jug of milk to his chest.

Louis wobbled to the car, careful not to let anything drop. Harry caught up to him when Louis got to the car door, the stolen cutlery and sauces slowing him down. Louis launched himself inside and started the engine. Harry was barely inside when Louis took off, out of the car park and onto the road.

They panted heavily for a few minutes while Harry took desperate sips of milk. Louis broke the silence. “Holy shit.”

“Louis, I’m so sorry,” Harry said, sounding defeated, voice a little rough from the hot sauce but getting better from the milk.

“Look, we got away, that’s all that matters right now.” Louis didn’t feel that angry at Harry, it had almost been fun.

“No, I mean, we have to go back.”

“Fucking, what?” Louis was furious.

“Larry.” He had to be joking.

“Forget about the fucking kitten.”

“No.”

“I’m not going back there.”

“Come on. Please.”

Louis didn’t respond.

“Please, Louis.”

Louis pursed his lips, trying to convey his reluctance.

“Pretty please, almighty, beautiful Louis Lou-Lou.”

“Flattery will get you nowhere.”

“I’ll buy you chicken nuggets after all this is over.”

“Keep talking.”

“I’ll make you some homemade chicken nuggets,” Harry bargained. Harry probably wasn’t going to give up. 

“Fine,” Louis sighed, making an illegal U-turn. The journey was really starting to change Louis. He still refused to go anywhere near the speed limit, though.

They eventually pulled up to the diner again. Harry undid his seatbelt and opened the door.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Louis grabbed Harry’s bicep to stop him, it was warm and solid. 

“Rescuing the kitten.”

“Do you have a plan? You can’t just go in there without a plan of action. Is everything you do haphazard?”

“I’m just gonna go in there, grab the kitten and run ,” Harry explained. “Simple, yet effective.”

“Harry.”

“Louis.”

“You need to stop. Wait this out, that way we can get the kitten out safely and no one has to chug hot sauce.”

Harry looked down to the jug of milk in his lap, he was still in pain from his earlier mistake. “Fine. A plan it is.”

++++++++++++++++++++++++

“Alright, so if the server is unconscious, we will use escape formation Alpha or Epsilon,” Louis said, trailing his finger over the crude map drawn on one of the napkins. 

“Right,” Harry said, frowning at his version of their different codes and formations.

“And if Simon has a spatula, we use a Delta pattern.”

“Okay, what if the server is unconscious and Simon has a spatula.” 

“Well, for every Epsilon there is a Delta.”

“That doesn’t make any sense.”

Louis went over all their formations again, hoping Harry would understand. Their reconnaissance had revealed a back door for the diner, and it was an integral part of Louis’ plan. For now they were parked 100 meters up the road, hidden behind a few bushes. Louis hoped to complete the mission before the sun started to rise. Daylight was not their friend.

“Do you understand everything?”

“Sure,” Harry said, lacking his usual enthusiasm.

Louis decided it was time. “Let’s go then.”

Louis unbuckled his seatbelt and quietly got out of the car. He made it about 10 meters creeping across the soft grass before he noticed how silent Harry was. Like, really silent. A sneaky, well-oiled criminal. Louis whipped his head around to see how Harry had been moving so quietly to find that Harry hadn’t been following him at all.

Louis turned around to see that Harry was still sitting in the car, making no effort to move. 

Louis gestured for Harry to get out of the car. Harry simply shook his head, curls bumping around his cheeks.

Louis made some wilder, slightly less coherent gestures. Harry didn’t budge.

Louis jogged back over to Harry’s side of the car and opened the door. “You’re supposed to be following me.”

“Right.”

“Okay, so let’s go then.” Louis took a step away from the car to let Harry through, but Harry remained seated.

“Harry you have to get out of the car.”

“Okay.” Harry didn’t move.

“Why won’t you get out of the car?”

Harry pulled his feet up onto the dashboard, hiding his head in his hands and breathing quickly. Louis decided to go for a softer approach.

“Harry, what’s wrong?” Louis said, placing a hand on Harry’s shoulder and giving a light squeeze.

“‘m nervous,” Harry whined, keeping his face hidden. 

“Why?”

“What if I forget part of the plan? What if we don’t get Larry, or you get caught, or one of us gets hurt?” Harry rambled.

Louis caught on to how unenthusiastic Harry was about the plan earlier. He had contributed nothing to the plan, and became less and less eager with every little exception Louis wrote down.

Louis figured it out. “Your plans are all about spontaneity, aren’t they?

Harry nodded. “I just don’t like thinking about it.”

Louis sighed, it was obvious that they both liked to take wildly different approaches. Louis aimed for a compromise. “How about we have a little plan. A vague plan. Lots of room for spontaneity.”

“Okay.”

“You cause a distraction round back, and I’ll go in the front to get Larry. Whatever happens, we just get the cat out, with both of us unharmed, run to the car and we’re gone. No small details. Think you can handle that?”

Harry took a few deep breaths, starting to calm down. “Yeah.”

Louis turned around to lean on the side of the car. The two boys waited in silence as Harry slowed his breathing. Eventually Harry had stopped panicking. “Okay, let’s go.”

Louis stood and gave Harry a small smile as he got out of the car, closing the door for him. They started the quiet walk to the diner, pulling up the hoods of their jackets. Louis gave a few rubs to Harry’s back before he made his way to the front.

Louis could feel the dew collecting on his vans as he sneaked up to the diner, stopping just before the windows. He got on his knees and slowly peered over the window ledge, assessing the situation.

Ben was just in Louis’ line of sight, slouching behind the counter where the kitten was being kept. Their table from earlier had been cleared, the cake nowhere to be seen. Louis waited.

About a minute later, Ben turned lazily to face the kitchen. Louis assumed it was Harry’s distraction. Ben headed into the back and Louis took his chance.

He quickly sneaked up to the counter, keeping low in case someone looked out from the kitchen. He reached the counter and slowly slid the box containing Larry off the counter. Vans squeaking on the tiled floor, Louis dashed out of the diner, still keeping low, eventually breaking into a full sprint to get to the car. 

He placed the kitten in the back seat and drove back to the diner to collect Harry, car idling outside the back door. 

After waiting a couple minutes, Harry still hadn’t exited the diner. Louis was getting a bit worried. He was about to go in and get Harry himself, when Harry burst through the door with a manic grin.

He was covered in flour, holding onto a large polystyrene cooler, chef’s hat perched precariously on his curls. Louis reached over to open the door for him and Harry jumped in, keeping the cooler on his lap. They started to drive away. 

Louis spotted Simon running after them with a saucepan, apron covered in an assortment of spices. Ben was just standing in the doorway, and appeared to be covered in honey.

Simon was keeping up with their car quite well, since Louis had slowed to take in the mess Harry made of the chef. Louis started to giggle at Simon’s murderous expression, turning his head around and finally driving too fast for Simon to keep up. 

Louis and Harry started cackling like mad men as they took off along the highway, leaving the diner behind. Their laughs petered out every so often, but started up again every time one of them muttered BertBert or noticed Harry’s new hat. They laughed until the sun rose over the horizon and filtered through the trees, their energy drink high finally starting to wear off. 

Harry suggested they stop at a motel to catch up on some much needed sleep. Louis was exhausted, so he quickly agreed. Even though the events of the past day were bizarre, to say the least, Louis had to admit it was the most fun he had had in a long time. And was strangely looking forward to whatever else happened while on the run with Harry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My tumblr is at [beintheband](http://beintheband.tumblr.com) currently. But honestly I change it like every week, it's a nightmare and I need to stop. 
> 
> Any comments (whether praising or rich with constructive criticism) are v welcome. It makes me so happy when people comment! I should probably make one of those picture-style fic posts for this fic. Maybe if I have time.
> 
> The next chapter will not be in the next few weeks, as I have uni and two challenge fics to write. TWO. gl to me. I'll need it tbh.
> 
> Thank you for reading. Love you! See you next chapter, whenever that happens to be.


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